markf Funny Status Messages

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class