markf Funny Status Messages

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.