Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like a hand job

   I don't always eat breakfast, but when I do, it's dos eggys.

   Sometimes I'll jerk off on a dozen eggs just to give my sperm a false sense of hope.

   I just found out the big difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

   Had she been a better entrepreneur, Sally would have sold blow jobs by the seashore.

   Hey! Stop attacking Donald Trump. She is a nice chubby older Polish woman and she deserves some respect.

   My coffee is so black it just rapped the lyrics of a Snoop Dogg song.

   *Current state of the NFL*....After further review, the runner did not touch second base. Touchdown Lakers..

   Please pray 4 me. Had a checkup & I tested positive 4 being The S#it! I'm allergic 2 all haters. Side effects may cause me 2 slap a bit**!!

   Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 on those little bottles of Evian water?.. Try spelling Evian backwards.

   2 car pile up on the Mexican border, thousands die

   Baby, are you Jealous? "No..." "Babe, you Jealous?" "NO!" "Baby, can I get a kiss?" "GO AND GET A KISS FROM THE H$E THAT LIKED YOUR STATUS!"

   HIGH SCHOOL made everyone either cool , uncool , bisexual , real , fake , pregnant , dropouts , alcoholics , pot heads or somewhere in jail.

   No matter how good he looks.. Someone somewhere is tired of his sh*t!...

   You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.

   Never really got into the show The Walking Dead because I thought it was about the Obama administration.

   I'm the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to.

   I don't believe I had the pleasure of meeting you, I mean I got your friend request, and accepted, greeted you, never heard from you! On the other hand, I do believe I'll have the pleasure of deleting you, that is certain.

   going to miss Glenn Beck and his rants.. For example "Hemp Growing Marxist fornicators are conspiring with the liberal media to fill the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool with bong water