Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   "Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

   BBQ rule: no drama goes on at my BBQ, if your'e in a fight with your mate don't come, if you just broke up and want to talk about it call a family member, BBQs are for FUN only

   Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".