Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   When did this become "Un-comical, Boring Political Status Messages for Facebook"?

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   I have a black belt in leather

   I love Facebook. It's the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms.

   thinks life is unfair. So many rules; so little time to break them....

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   The average penis length of a man is 5 1/2 inches. The average penis length of a man who googles "penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.

   Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.

   I tell my kids that when the ice cream man is playing music, he is out of ice cream.

   It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

   WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.

   Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you my friend have no soul!

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.