Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it might just be me, but oranges from the tree at the cemetary seem a little sweeter.

   Like a good neighbor, State farm is there.. With two neeighborhood kids to shovel my driveway................ Aww man! that Sh*t don't work!

   $60 to fill my gas tank last night. It's the apocalypse!!! I'm going to Walmart, buying me a water hose and I'm going on a siphon spree.........

   If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards it's about a little guy who finds a really cool ring in a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.

   There are hot Shingles in your area – My Doctor

   Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.

   People who go out to to socialize can be compared to zombies, who are also not thinking.

   Could it be I'm already thinking about my Thanksgiving dinner? Because it appears to me that Rudy is sweating gravy...

   If Clint Eastwood sneezes on you, it counts as a baptism.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   stayed awake to watch the Daylight Savings countdown, and still up from all the excitement. #TheyDidntDropABall

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye. I don't know what that means, but think about it.

   Party Rule No.1: Always make the party worth the hangover.

   I don't care how old you are, When you see a balloon about to hit the floor, you dive too stop that sh*t.

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   I think the english language is declining... 1992: I like big butts and I cannot lie. 2006: Booty Booty Booty rockin' everywhere. 2011: ass ass ass ass ass ass.

   You're like a Password. Hard to figure out, but I always want to keep trying.