Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She's not a slut, she's like Wi-Fi without password, everyone enjoys it.

   i hate it when you go to a vuvuzela concert and people start playing soccer

   Why hasn't the NAACP changed it's name to NAAAA?

   When you smoke weed, it reveals you to yourself.

   I think I am going to declare a Family Emergency and appropriate funds from other parts of our family budget and use them to buy beer.

   1993 called, they want their jokes back.

   Dude, she just called you a Mexican... Oh hell no, hold my taco.

   I am watching women's softball for the first time. I wish the camera would focus on the batter's box.

   Someone stole my coffee cup from work yesterday. I'll be back, gonno go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.

   A slut is fun in everyone's bed. A good girlfriend is only a slut in yours.

   I bet Kim Kardashian & Kanya kid will be nicknamed "KKK"

   If you try to win an argument by comparing the other side to "nazis", you are worse than Hitler.

   You know its going to be a bad week for the GOP when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   So she told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know the cashier meant my credit card?

   Every time someone uses Xmas instead of Christmas a kitten gets punched in the balls.

   .... Went to McDonalds and ordered a Happy Meal .... didn't work ... still grumpy.

   HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

   ..... I used to think that somebody needed to give Obama a pink slip immediately ... Then I totally realized .... He already wears one!