Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am watching women's softball for the first time. I wish the camera would focus on the batter's box.

   Someone stole my coffee cup from work yesterday. I'll be back, gonno go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.

   A slut is fun in everyone's bed. A good girlfriend is only a slut in yours.

   I bet Kim Kardashian & Kanya kid will be nicknamed "KKK"

   If you try to win an argument by comparing the other side to "nazis", you are worse than Hitler.

   You know its going to be a bad week for the GOP when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   So she told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know the cashier meant my credit card?

   Every time someone uses Xmas instead of Christmas a kitten gets punched in the balls.

   .... Went to McDonalds and ordered a Happy Meal .... didn't work ... still grumpy.

   HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

   ..... I used to think that somebody needed to give Obama a pink slip immediately ... Then I totally realized .... He already wears one!

   THANK GOD THEY FOUND BALLOON BOY! THOUGHT MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ORDERING TAKE OUT FROM HEAVEN.

   HIV doesn't turn into AIDS if you have a magic johnson.

   We need change from change and we need it fast.

   Florida....Where America goes to die.

   is wondering if a man is standing in the middle of the forrest and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   planning to hire a singing fat lady and take her to work, just in case someone says his tasks ain't over yet

   I think Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and run an advertisement with their new motto: I swear we can stop."