Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Morning check list 1. find a red solo cup 2.Let's have a party!

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra & Rihanna?

   I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!

   Remember when you blow back up the Capri Sun pouches and try to give them to your friend hoping that they will think it's full?

   Sigh...It's that time of the year to breakout the razor and stop looking like sasquatch! Ladies, you know what I mean!

   I just went out and witnessed the transit of venus.. Now I have no retinas...

   Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody Loves You.

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   He's making a list,, and checking it 42 times,,, then washing his hands 11x,, and finally touching the sleigh 3x for good measure...: OCD Santa

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   One thing I've learned about myself after all this time on Facebook is that I have no idea how to use a comma.

   When your foot falls asleep, that's God's way of saying... "Move, your lazy a$s!"

   I'll never forget my wife's last words "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.

   Signing off, my Wife says I need to finish my bath. Peace out Peeps

   There's that moment of awesome when you get an A on the test... and then you realize you were given someone elses' test...

   everyone is so eager to get some prison tattoos but nobody is eager to go to prison...

   I just conquered Duck Hunt! I'm such a gamer.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?