Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   He's making a list,, and checking it 42 times,,, then washing his hands 11x,, and finally touching the sleigh 3x for good measure...: OCD Santa

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   One thing I've learned about myself after all this time on Facebook is that I have no idea how to use a comma.

   When your foot falls asleep, that's God's way of saying... "Move, your lazy a$s!"

   I'll never forget my wife's last words "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.

   Signing off, my Wife says I need to finish my bath. Peace out Peeps

   There's that moment of awesome when you get an A on the test... and then you realize you were given someone elses' test...

   everyone is so eager to get some prison tattoos but nobody is eager to go to prison...

   I just conquered Duck Hunt! I'm such a gamer.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   Does anybody know if their is a place hiring someone too stand there and look pretty cuz I have a PhD in that sh*t...

   So I hear Sandusky's Santa application has been rejected...

   I bet some of the dumber wolves howl at the sun.

   I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.

   To be is to do (Immanuel Kant). To do is to be (Jean-Paul Sartre). Doo be doo be dooo (Frank Sinatra).

   I bet midgets are very busy this time of year... with all of the elf jobs and such...

   Does anyone else think that when Tolkien wrote "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger" he just substituted "Wizard" for "Women"?