Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   ladies, regardless of where you like it...just don't ask us to hold it.

   If you believe in reincarnation, will your gravestone say "BRB" instead of "R.I.P."?

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters.

   wondering why books on "How to make women happy" aren't displayed in the 'FICTION' section

   thinking that if ýou make someones day by posting a silly status and never denying that its someone elses ides, whats the harm?

   Maybe everyone does NOT need to see 146 photos of your newborn fresh out of the placenta.

   The sexual position 69 is now 96, due to the poor economy the price of eating out has gone up

   I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…

   why don't we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.