Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

   *shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."

   for this of you who ever accused me of being full of sh*t, my colonoscopy prep work has now proven you otherwise!

   Most stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money.

   Remember when Joan Rivers didnt look a day over $225,000

   I'm pretty sure it was ISIS that put the new U2 album in our iTunes libraries with hopes that Bono's voice would make our heads explode.

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   I hear Sarah Palin loves Honey Nut Cheerios.

   I've dated a vegan and a vegetarian, and please believe me, they do put meat in their mouth...

   It was revealed today that Obama will spend a half Billion bucks on his Presidential Historical Library. Question: If he has sequestered virtually every document from his past...SO...Why even build a historical Library about your life in the first place?

   I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.