Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   I hear Sarah Palin loves Honey Nut Cheerios.

   I've dated a vegan and a vegetarian, and please believe me, they do put meat in their mouth...

   It was revealed today that Obama will spend a half Billion bucks on his Presidential Historical Library. Question: If he has sequestered virtually every document from his past...SO...Why even build a historical Library about your life in the first place?

   I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.

   Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.

   A single male friend of mine is looking for a woman who can actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose. . .

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records," "blood bath" and "shallow grave."

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   [Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH