Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the exit door.

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.

   Attention, stoners: No, you don't qualify for medical marijuana just because you smoked a blunt and beat your roommates in Operation.

   hates people who take drugs....customs for example

   I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

   Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder

   When you find the right person, you shouldn't even be able to tell the difference between being "single" or in a "relationship". That's the key. 

   In light of the higher gas prices, the rapper "Fifty-Cent" will now be known as 1/16th of a Gallon. That is all...

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   I hate people who use mad gay phrases that rhyme, like "What's shaking bacon?" it makes me go insane in the membrane. 

   I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.

   Hey, if y'all have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.

   No one likes laying in the wet spot but everyone loves making one.

   Just because it was funny last year, does not make it funny this year for you!

   You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?