Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aw Jeez, I just realized Osama could feasibly end up in a can of tuna fish.

   At least he saw the royal wedding...

   Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide…

   for all those who are taken, almost taken, taken for granted, waiting to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously!! Happy Valentinesday!!

   Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   I would walk over Legos for you.

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.