Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back, txt them when your drunk...

   "Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs and cats for children." TRUE! The fat content is so different, your recipe will be ruined.

   Wondering if celebrities hang pictures in their homes of famous restaurant owners.

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   Breaking News : Shots Fired at Capitol Hill, In Other Words Olympus Has Fallen \ :O /

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.

   I've just brushed my teeth and found some bacon. My luck is changing for the better

   Just once, I'd like to look at the ingredients of a bottled water and see the words "Sea Monkeys".

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   I've never eaten Wookie, but I bet its Chewy

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]

   Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit as your Halloween

   Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 77 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   It looks like you're trying to defend someone's policies, would you like to turn on Caps Lock and disable spell check?

   Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.

   Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.