Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman says "I know what I want", you know she is lying.

   feeling like a boss when you type without looking and you dont make any mistakes

   Maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow then maybe he'd see how much love hurts

   The last fight me and my wife had was whether Tommy Boy was an Awesome Movie or Super Awesome Movie!!!!!

   If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Looks like the lava from that volcano in Hawaii has buried an old Japanese cemetary. But on the bight side, we don't have to worry about zombies wielding samurai swords either.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.

   I can't honestly think of one funny p0st you have ever contributed here.

   The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big wi

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back, txt them when your drunk...

   "Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs and cats for children." TRUE! The fat content is so different, your recipe will be ruined.

   Wondering if celebrities hang pictures in their homes of famous restaurant owners.

   Mom: You want some trail mix?........... Me: You mean M&Ms with obstacles?

   Breaking News : Shots Fired at Capitol Hill, In Other Words Olympus Has Fallen \ :O /

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.