Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   Come to think of it, I've never seen a KFC or McDonalds under construction. They just show up!

   My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

   I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.

   Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm...

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????

   I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.

   I wonder what the person I`m going to marry is doing right now

   Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.

   Picking your nose doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's what you do with the booger.

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

   My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I'm inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.