Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying she is a $lut or anything, but if her v@gina was password protected, it would probably be "1234"

   The only good thing about the fog, is you can pull off the road and piss without being judged by others.

   It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke

   Email your friends and say "call me at this number ASAP. 12024561414" it's the number to the white house

   Whenever I am faced with a challenge, I ask myself, “What would Phil Dunphy do?”

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   I can keep a secret, its all the people I tell who cant.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

   "K"= Conversation Over!!!

   Dogs barking to the song Jingle Bells?... Sure why not. You know what, put it on repeat so I have time to tie a noose and find a shaky chair.

   This just in: The next upcoming New Years Rockin' Eve is to be hosted by a Hologram of Dick Clark.

   No one man has done more to bring peace to mankind than the inventor of coffee.

   How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

   WHAT,, Age is only a number??? I Don't think so asshat....."age" is a word...

   If you think holding in a fart is difficult, try holding in an ethnic joke that JUST crosses the line.

   A relationship without trust is like a car with no gas. You can stay in it as long as you want, but its not going anywhere..

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   I want to quit drinking, but my momma didn't raise a quitter!

   Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.

   Guy walks into a bookshop ....... ''Do you have the new book out for men with short pen!s's? cant remember the title'' ''Im not sure if its in yet'' ''Thats the one, i'll take a copy