Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.

   I bet Biggie and Tupac would be impressed by how Drake and Chris Brown are having a tweet war.

   if they get defensive they are almost always guilty

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush

   He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?

   Sometimes I cover myself in vasoline and pretend I'm a slug.

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   Screw Daylight Savings Time. Losing an hour on the weekend means we're one hour closer to Monday. Dammit.

   Nissan Titan commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   what's the difference between a bachelor and a husband? a bachelor comes home, sees what is in the fridge, then goes to bed. a husband comes home, sees what is in the bed, then goes to the fridge.

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.

   Aren't you glad you no longer have that “Call Me Maybe” song in your head? Oops. Sorry.

   Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list