Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   There are only 4 words that end of argument. Face down, Ass up.

   We all suffer from a stroke at some point in our lives. Whether it be a stroke of bad luck, a blood clot, or a dry handjob.

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   "Your Honor, Mr Travolta attempted to go up my client's nose with a rubber hose"

   The middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.

   I bet Biggie and Tupac would be impressed by how Drake and Chris Brown are having a tweet war.

   if they get defensive they are almost always guilty

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush

   He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?

   Sometimes I cover myself in vasoline and pretend I'm a slug.

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   Screw Daylight Savings Time. Losing an hour on the weekend means we're one hour closer to Monday. Dammit.

   Nissan Titan commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   what's the difference between a bachelor and a husband? a bachelor comes home, sees what is in the fridge, then goes to bed. a husband comes home, sees what is in the bed, then goes to the fridge.

   My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.

   Aren't you glad you no longer have that “Call Me Maybe” song in your head? Oops. Sorry.