Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You might have moves like Jagger....Me, at my age, have moves like jello!!

   Time to clean my room: 50% listening to music & dancing around, 49% being lazy, 1% just standing.

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   When some girls says, "I'm sexy and I know it" it usually means, "She's slutty and she blows it."

   Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.

   69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

   I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

   Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   The women's US gymnastics team is awesome! I have never seen more beautiful floor exercises, high bars or labia majora in my life.

   My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?

   Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   100% of non smokers die, just not as poor as the ones who pay 5.51$ a pack.

   Loyal women will love you while you're broke; a ho will love you till you're broke

   Nick Wallenda would never fail a sobriety test.... WOW!!