Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sesame Street YouTube channel hacked, videos replaced with porn. I don't want to tell you what the letter ˝C˝ stand for.

   Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!

   It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar

   everybody is always the same thing for Halloween...drunk as sh*t

   I dont know wheather to rake or shovel...

   Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!

   Snooki's like a basketball: Orange and passed around by a bunch of sweaty guys.

   You might have moves like Jagger....Me, at my age, have moves like jello!!

   Time to clean my room: 50% listening to music & dancing around, 49% being lazy, 1% just standing.

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   When some girls says, "I'm sexy and I know it" it usually means, "She's slutty and she blows it."

   Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.

   69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

   I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

   Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   The women's US gymnastics team is awesome! I have never seen more beautiful floor exercises, high bars or labia majora in my life.

   My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.