Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonald’s should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   You know who turned the lights out in the stadium? The same guy that drove the snow plow in the Dolphins-Patriots game back in '82.

   When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.

   I just go on Facebook to see who's pregnant.

   I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.

   Facebook is like having your own talk show except you don't get paid and your studio is the bathroom.

   For all you Xbox fans I guess you won't be getting a game console this year but more like a voice and gesture based TV remote box.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.

   Yo Zimmerman, I'm really happy for you and, I'ma let you finish, but OJ had one of the best racial trials of all time!

   Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.

   Wait!! Its Tim Tebow's birthday today and Tom Brady got hurt..... Jesus take the wheel.

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   If your boyfriend answers your text while playing Call of Duty, he doesn't love you. He just died on the game.