Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.

   Okay, so maybe practicing hypnotism in front of the mirror wasn't the smartest idea..

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.

   You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You can, however, make a pretty decent ham wallet.

   I drop most of my money on wine, women and song. What's left gets spent foolishly.

   It would probably make more Sense if they did our taxes 2 mths before christmas that way we can actually afford christmas.

   Accidentally broke the window out of my neighbor's Accord while playing catch with my son and started it with a screwdriver out of habit.

   McDonald’s should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   You know who turned the lights out in the stadium? The same guy that drove the snow plow in the Dolphins-Patriots game back in '82.

   When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.

   I just go on Facebook to see who's pregnant.

   I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.

   Facebook is like having your own talk show except you don't get paid and your studio is the bathroom.

   For all you Xbox fans I guess you won't be getting a game console this year but more like a voice and gesture based TV remote box.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.