Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   I just bought the new vi@gra flavor ice cream...its been 4 hours and it still hasn't melted...

   My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right

   Alright kids... Life is going to continue to throw the same lesson at you until you finally learn it, so don't act all surprised when your boyfriend/girlfriend situation explodes in flames like it always does when you keep choosing the same type of clowns

   Men, just because she loves your c ock doesn't mean she's in love with u

   It would probably make more Sense if they did our taxes 2 mths before christmas that way we can actually afford christmas.

   Accidentally broke the window out of my neighbor's Accord while playing catch with my son and started it with a screwdriver out of habit.

   McDonald’s should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   You know who turned the lights out in the stadium? The same guy that drove the snow plow in the Dolphins-Patriots game back in '82.

   There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up, it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.

   Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body!!!

   Relax... You'll only be sore for a few days.

   Ladies a real gentleman asks for your name not your number

   Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.