Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever keeps shaking the snowglobe.... "STOP!"

   I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

   I just got in a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

   - Bored? Go to Google and play with their logo, see if you can knock a circle off the screen with the mouse (excluding the top part) :D

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   thinks that when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

   Doesn't have children , she has insane little mental patients !

   Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.

   it just me or is it that flying and crawling insects enjoy getting sprayed on with can aerosol insecticides and watch you get frustrated while they pretend to die.....

   been trying to think of a term to describe the amount of time it takes the earth to complete one single rotation, but I'm thinking of calling it a day.

   living in a van down by the river

   says the last argument was his fault. She asked what was on the TV, he replied "dust".

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   says Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself

   Used to have a life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

   You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies... You may trod me in the very dirt... But still, like the dust, I'll rise!

   I hate it when elderly women try to trick you. Like when they make chocolate chip cookies, and you take a bite only to notice it's filled with raisins and not chocolate chips! EVIL I tell you ...those cheapskates!

   Due to 9 empty traps, today's planned Iron Chef Reindeer Challenge will be postponed.

   There is a chemical in weed called "F**k it" ---- guess that explains my attitude.

   the Batmobile is for sale on ebay the price is half a million...Anyone want to go in on halfies! :D