Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.

   it just me or is it that flying and crawling insects enjoy getting sprayed on with can aerosol insecticides and watch you get frustrated while they pretend to die.....

   been trying to think of a term to describe the amount of time it takes the earth to complete one single rotation, but I'm thinking of calling it a day.

   living in a van down by the river

   says the last argument was his fault. She asked what was on the TV, he replied "dust".

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   says Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself

   Used to have a life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

   You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies... You may trod me in the very dirt... But still, like the dust, I'll rise!

   I hate it when elderly women try to trick you. Like when they make chocolate chip cookies, and you take a bite only to notice it's filled with raisins and not chocolate chips! EVIL I tell you ...those cheapskates!

   Due to 9 empty traps, today's planned Iron Chef Reindeer Challenge will be postponed.

   There is a chemical in weed called "F**k it" ---- guess that explains my attitude.

   the Batmobile is for sale on ebay the price is half a million...Anyone want to go in on halfies! :D

   There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

   Money cant buy hapiness..But it can buy a reasonable facsimile so close that the average human being cannot tell the differance

   After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook.

   I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   Told my wife today she looked sexy with black fingernails Now she thinks I slammed the car door on them on purpose !!!!!

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..