Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just watched Whitney Houston's funeral on DVR... is it just me, or did her performance seem a bit stiff?

   So for everyone planning on drinking and then driving tonight- Do me a favor please. Go full speed, no seatbelt, and hit the first pole, tree or wall you see. Kill yourself, not an innocent child or someone who doesnt need to drink to have a good

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   - If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?

   Drama = Dumb Retard Asking for More Attention

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your head...no one wants to hear about your workout

   If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   - What do women and clouds have in common? Occasionally they f*ck off and it's a really nice day.

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   You know what I've noticed? I've never seen a pregnant Chinese lady. O_o

   Before Obama compares himself to Nelson Mandela, shouldn't he first go to jail for 27 years?

   K. K .K members never turn their TVs off cuz they don't want the screen to be black

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer.

   MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.

   A rich girl on a safari tour in South Africa saw a crocodile for the first time.... and screamed, Oh my God! LACOSTE

   If I get another invite for farmville, I'm going to get my friends in Mafia Wars to shoot your cows and send the meat to Cafe World.

   stuck in the moment and he can't get out of it...

   Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.