Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   You know what I've noticed? I've never seen a pregnant Chinese lady. O_o

   Before Obama compares himself to Nelson Mandela, shouldn't he first go to jail for 27 years?

   K. K .K members never turn their TVs off cuz they don't want the screen to be black

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer.

   MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.

   A rich girl on a safari tour in South Africa saw a crocodile for the first time.... and screamed, Oh my God! LACOSTE

   If I get another invite for farmville, I'm going to get my friends in Mafia Wars to shoot your cows and send the meat to Cafe World.

   stuck in the moment and he can't get out of it...

   Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

   ROTFLSHIDMEN = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Dropped My Egg Nog.

   Anybody else having a problem with theit Good Year tires pulling hard to the left???

   Baby I'm no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight ;)

   if a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, why was there a tree in the kitchen?

   Children shouldn't be allowed to watch symphonies or big bands on T.V. There is too much sax and violins. It can only lead to Treble.

   i would give you a dozen roses, 11 real and 1 fake, then tell you that I will love you till the last one dies...

   hiding false teeth at the old folks home for the Easter hunt

   If my dead body is ever discovered in a church building, please know that I was murdered somewhere else and then dumped in there.

   Q: What does an elephant use for tampons? A: Sheep