Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Paris Hilton is the kind of girl who would buy tickets to see Xbox Live.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

   K-WHEN, because everyone already knows why.

   Deflated balls and accused of cheating?? Been there; done that.

   Had I had access to a smartphone growing up, I probably would have had an album titled "School Bus Window Artwork"

   They have a machine that sees your bones thru your skin. They have a machine that makes your heart beat when it own't. So, why does the Doctor still stick his finger up your butt and wiggle it around to feel your prostate??

   Kanye West is busy editing Nelson Mandela's Wikipedia page so it features his picture.

   Merry Chrithmith!!!- Mike Tyson

   Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”

   Between Auburn and the Denver Broncos, Africa is buried in Orange clothing.

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   You lost me at 'you should'.

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'

   I hate it when people think I don't like them... I guess I need to do a better job of hiding the fact that I hate them.

   Just read that Kate Upton is an heir to a billion dollar fortune... Finally a reason to date her...

   You know I don't care about losing some people that don't wanna be in my life anymore, I lost people that meant the WORLD to me and I am still doing just fine.

   Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was!

   Don't threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.