Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think we are taking the end of the world really well.

   If you want something be misunderstood, post on Internet.

   What if at the end of Breaking Bad they drop Bryan Cranston into witness protection and that becomes the beginning of Malcolm in the Middle?

   FACT: With the exact same amount of $ the government spends to buy the Army an attack helicopter they could buy ME an attack helicopter

   Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   If sex beteen three people is called a threesome, and between two people a twosome, I now understand why people call you handsome!!!

   Ladies, we men don't ask for much. We're very simple beings. All we want is food, sex, money, and silence. Feed Me, Fu¢k Me, Pay Me, & STFU. That's all!

   Curiousity killed virginity.

   I've watched Cowboys and Aliens 13 times and I still don't know when I'm supposed to masturbate.

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

   K-WHEN, because everyone already knows why.

   Deflated balls and accused of cheating?? Been there; done that.

   Had I had access to a smartphone growing up, I probably would have had an album titled "School Bus Window Artwork"

   They have a machine that sees your bones thru your skin. They have a machine that makes your heart beat when it own't. So, why does the Doctor still stick his finger up your butt and wiggle it around to feel your prostate??

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Paris Hilton is the kind of girl who would buy tickets to see Xbox Live.

   You lost me at 'you should'.

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'