Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need damn smarter friends.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   not the empire but I still strike back...

   I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What good advice!!

   If you think paper beats rock...Hold a piece of paper up in front of your face and I'll throw a rock at it.

   Trump got more fat women to take a walk in one day than Michell Obama did in 8 years

   I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"

   The hardest part about mopping up wine with your cat is wringing that motherfcuker out.

   I gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

   Accidentally mixed my I can't believe it's not butter with my real butter. Now I don't know what to believe..

   What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.

   Some days, all I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask. That is all.

   not doing what Simon says

   CNN BREAKING NEWS; There is Rioting in the Watermelon Fields and Looting at the KFC'S and POPEYE'S CHICKENS In Florida over night due to George Zimmerman being found "NOT GUILTY"...

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   If you have to SNEAK to do it, LIE to cover it up, or DELETE it to avoid it being seen then maybe you SHOULDN'T be doing it anyway.

   Do you think it's OK to cross out the word LOVE on a Valentines card and replace it with "WANNA F&@K"?

   I hate when my hairdresser tries to sell me products. I nod as if I like my hair being spiked and then when they go to ring me up they ask if I want the gel and I have to awkwardly reject them as a person.

   I finally figured out how to f*ck myself... Take that, people that tell me to f*ck myself!