Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days, all I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask. That is all.

   not doing what Simon says

   CNN BREAKING NEWS; There is Rioting in the Watermelon Fields and Looting at the KFC'S and POPEYE'S CHICKENS In Florida over night due to George Zimmerman being found "NOT GUILTY"...

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   If you have to SNEAK to do it, LIE to cover it up, or DELETE it to avoid it being seen then maybe you SHOULDN'T be doing it anyway.

   Do you think it's OK to cross out the word LOVE on a Valentines card and replace it with "WANNA F&@K"?

   I hate when my hairdresser tries to sell me products. I nod as if I like my hair being spiked and then when they go to ring me up they ask if I want the gel and I have to awkwardly reject them as a person.

   I finally figured out how to f*ck myself... Take that, people that tell me to f*ck myself!

   FYI... 1st person to complain about the heat this summer, will be deleted from my friends list, ohhhh & if I see you out in public--I'll slap ur face...

   People are only as happy as they allow themselves to be.

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies!

   Just spent some time manscaping. Planning to donate to 'Locks for Love'.

   I wish they made Off Clip On Repellent for creepy people at WalMart

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   To celebrate Womans Day I shall have sex with 5 lucky women today .

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   Sick of girls saying all guys are the same we aren't they just always go for the same kinda guy.......

   If you unfriend me or block me on Facebook, that means you would probably just turn your nose up in real life...you're actually doing me a favor!!