Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tired of following his dreams, he/she is just gonna ask where they are going and hook up with them later

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   I gave my deaf friend an I-Pod for X-mas hoping he would re-gift it back to me.

   "Irene is what happens when the universe has just had enough of Jersey Shore..."

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

   What does a Colt want to be when it grows up? A Bronco! Go Payton Manning

   Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   How many divorced men does it atke to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!

   100% of non smokers die

   I support Goya: Black Beans Matter

   According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

   I think I am beginning to understand Americans. I now know they love guns, blowjobs, masturbation, naps, not wearing pants, pizza, beer and a good murder.

   what's the difference between 'Live Feed' and 'News Feed?' Isn't all the news supposed to be Live!!!

   making Holy Water by boiling the Hell out of it.

   Has decided to write all her statuses in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

   Dont worry, if we do all die in 2012... at least Justin Beiber dies also ..

   A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I clearly see you're nuts."

   Ladies, you can't be the first, but you can be the next.