Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants a hug

   if I'm not back in five minutes.....call Obama. He'll know what to do

   I'm a White man, and working for a living was my idea.

   Obama probably called Romney and said "I don't see how you can hate from outside the White House, you can't even get in.

   Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're a fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them....

   Funny....I don't remember eating corn...?

   When I flush the toilet I like to yell "SH!TS GOING DOWN!!!" in my best gangster voice.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

   may not be Fred Flintstone but I can still make your bedrock

   There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.

   tired of following his dreams, he/she is just gonna ask where they are going and hook up with them later

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   I gave my deaf friend an I-Pod for X-mas hoping he would re-gift it back to me.

   "Irene is what happens when the universe has just had enough of Jersey Shore..."

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

   What does a Colt want to be when it grows up? A Bronco! Go Payton Manning

   Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"