maria Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:47 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?
←Rate | 05-13-2011 19:01 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:30 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:35 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:58 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
←Rate | 05-13-2011 19:17 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:17 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:37 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I could collect all the tears you made me cry... so I could DROWN you in them!!
←Rate | 05-13-2011 20:46 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:48 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 19:15 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:09 by Maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 19:34 by maria Comments (1)  

   messageicon The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:18 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 19:24 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 19:15 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:36 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ( the shoplifters special??)
←Rate | 05-13-2011 23:28 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:47 by maria Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
←Rate | 05-13-2011 23:24 by maria Comments (0)  


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