Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

   Every time a couple gets married, two single people stop existing.

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   Most women don't even need to workout. Y'all burn enough calories jumping to conclusions.

   You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.

   If you think Hawaii's Emergency alert system is bad , you should see their birth certificate system. . .

   i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2

   i am pleased that BP has stopped the flow of water into the Oil of Mexico

   do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

   "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies.

   Breaking News: Barack Obama to deliver his re-election victory speech tomorrow....

   What if P Diddy was actually called Pete Diddy and we just misheard him and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, but every night he goes home and cries and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   If the right to vote was taken away from anyone convicted of a fenoly we would never have another democrat president again.

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela - 95 years!