Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
←Rate | 07-04-2013 12:46 by HotTea Comments (0)  


   messageicon Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.
←Rate | 12-22-2013 12:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.
←Rate | 11-18-2012 20:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  


   messageicon To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.
←Rate | 06-29-2011 14:24 by @williamhale1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.
←Rate | 05-26-2011 14:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.
←Rate | 10-06-2010 17:50 by JeremyCakes Comments (1)  


   messageicon She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.
←Rate | 03-17-2010 19:43 Comments (2)  


   messageicon parachute for sale, used once, never opened!
←Rate | 06-15-2009 07:13 by Brendan Comments (1)  


   messageicon Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition
←Rate | 09-07-2011 17:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love old people because they're wise and smell like soup.
←Rate | 03-20-2011 01:23 by jt Comments (1)  


   messageicon sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.
←Rate | 07-26-2011 10:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dude she has a boyfriend? -Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie ,doesn't mean you can't score ;}
←Rate | 09-19-2011 09:53 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I drank a beer for every good man I've ever met, I'd still be sober...
←Rate | 02-17-2011 10:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.
←Rate | 11-17-2011 08:19 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw
←Rate | 11-16-2011 02:36 by tsparks Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can't contemplate how a person could be negative on something that doesn't pertain to their specific region. Like it or leave it alone. Your ignorance doesn't make it less funny.
←Rate | 11-29-2011 11:34 by Someone not there Comments (0)  


   messageicon Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they're quiet. Dont be a cricket
←Rate | 12-06-2011 16:53 by milsfinest Comments (0)  


   messageicon One day I wanna copy someone's status word for word and see if they notice.
←Rate | 12-07-2011 15:48 by Fat Alec Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.
←Rate | 12-10-2011 12:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
←Rate | 12-23-2011 04:57 Comments (0)  




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