Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   My anus is the center hole. J. Geils Band. Songs back then really meant something.

   Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!

   Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

   That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.

   parachute for sale, used once, never opened!

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition

   I love old people because they're wise and smell like soup.

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Dude she has a boyfriend? -Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie ,doesn't mean you can't score ;}

   If I drank a beer for every good man I've ever met, I'd still be sober...

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   It's all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw

   Can't contemplate how a person could be negative on something that doesn't pertain to their specific region. Like it or leave it alone. Your ignorance doesn't make it less funny.

   Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they're quiet. Dont be a cricket