Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss asked me why I wasn't working today. I dont him I was going as Obama Care for Halloween

   Drunk is... Fumbling in the dark with a condom wrapper, only to discover you've been trying to open a packet of McDonald's ketchup for the last 15 minutes.

   During sex, I like to freak out my girlfriend by saying stuff like, "Fu*k me like a cold glass of milk"

   running with scissors... makes me feel dangerous!

   just because they CAN put a mosque there doesn't make it morally right. In fact it's the biggest slap in the face to us.

   A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."

   quit criticizing the girls that take slutty pics and put them on Facebook! I like looking at them you homo!

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   My anus is the center hole. J. Geils Band. Songs back then really meant something.

   Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!

   Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

   That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   parachute for sale, used once, never opened!

   She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition

   I love old people because they're wise and smell like soup.