Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!

   Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

   That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.

   parachute for sale, used once, never opened!

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition

   I love old people because they're wise and smell like soup.

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Dude she has a boyfriend? -Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie ,doesn't mean you can't score ;}

   If I drank a beer for every good man I've ever met, I'd still be sober...

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   It's all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw

   Can't contemplate how a person could be negative on something that doesn't pertain to their specific region. Like it or leave it alone. Your ignorance doesn't make it less funny.

   Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they're quiet. Dont be a cricket

   One day I wanna copy someone's status word for word and see if they notice.

   I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.