Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   processing please wait

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   Verizon's new slogan: Kenya hear me now.

   [How Most Wars Have Started Between Countries] "You believe in God?", "No" , (BANG!!). or "You believe in God?" , "Yes" , "You believe in MY God?" , "No" , (BANG!!)

   I just googled 2013 and it said the new Batman movie comes out SO TAKE THAT MAYANS.

   I've Decided To Get MARRIED :All Women May Now FORM AN ORDERLY LINE...... .. Only The Most Beautiful Or The Very Rich Women Need Apply . . Please Send Me A Private Message With Your Photo or A copy Of Your Bank Balance ,The Winner Will Notified By email

   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!

   I saw an Indian guy violently shaking a rug, I suppose to clean it. I couldn't help myself, I asked "Can't get it started?"

   Spiderman isnt the only one that gets sticky hands after using the Web all day...... If you know what I mean ;)

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   Tried submitting the 49ers vs Jets game to pornhub, but they don't allow r@pe

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant have a nice day!'

   In the apocalyptic movie, 2012, New York was flooded in October.

   OK, who decided to call them iPhone Chargers and not Apple Juice?

   Talk to your kids about drugs. No, seriously. They have better connections.

   Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!

   Obama deflated the balls so the news would talk about it all freaking day and not focus on real issues.

   Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."

   just saw Elvis, Marilyn and Bin Laden at Walmart...I have pics...but for politically correct reasons I cannot post them!

   So, My girlfriend asked me if I loved Her,..No girl, I only think about you all day, text you whenever I can & Stare at you constently when i'm with you.