Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.

   how come everytime someone on TV says there's gonna be snow, people go nuts and rush to the supermarket and buy food as if the snow is gonna keep people from stuffing themselves in their homes. Does snow make people more hungry or something??

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   Ebay: thank you for buying "Modern Warfare 2". Members who have bought this have also bought: Glitter boy Anal lube.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   You are having sex before marriage but when it comes to enjoying this bacon all of sudden ‘religion’ doesn't allow

   Walk in the club like whaddup I got a... Oh no, Oh God wrong building. I'm so sorry. Continue with your funeral. God bless

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   Barack Obama's best bet tonight is to just run into the room, strongly high-five as many people as he can and then run out...because...I'm pretty sure we know what the state of our union is.

   Nascar Update: Gordon Biffles Earnhart's Johnson

   I wish Facebook would make the text bigger on its mobile app so I can read it easier when I am driving

   Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.

   On the bright side...Aaron Rodgers can now do all the comercials he wants

   on a scale from 1-10, you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need...

   Women are like condoms.. they spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

   Teacher: "Why are you late? Student: "I'm late?" Teacher: "You just missed an entire period" Student: "Are you telling me I'm pregnant?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate rhyming, make me a sandwich.

   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

   I think the "Situation" should be renamed "Regurgitation" after he stunk up the Donald Trump roast!.