Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!

   Breaking news: Facebook website is down for most users. Twitter will soon follow as it is overwhelmed by tweets asking "Is facebook down?"

   SON: Dad, Can I go to a 50cent Concert? DAD: Here's $1. Take your sister too

   Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air

   I just saved a bunch of money on my sons college education by introducing him to weed...

   tatoos must be expensive because everyone with them doesn't seem to have any money left...

   george zimmerman looks alot like chaz bono

   If North Korea attacks, there won't be a war. The counterattack will go down in history as a case of assisted suicide.

   I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.

   how come everytime someone on TV says there's gonna be snow, people go nuts and rush to the supermarket and buy food as if the snow is gonna keep people from stuffing themselves in their homes. Does snow make people more hungry or something??

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   Ebay: thank you for buying "Modern Warfare 2". Members who have bought this have also bought: Glitter boy Anal lube.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   You are having sex before marriage but when it comes to enjoying this bacon all of sudden ‘religion’ doesn't allow

   Walk in the club like whaddup I got a... Oh no, Oh God wrong building. I'm so sorry. Continue with your funeral. God bless

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   Barack Obama's best bet tonight is to just run into the room, strongly high-five as many people as he can and then run out...because...I'm pretty sure we know what the state of our union is.

   Nascar Update: Gordon Biffles Earnhart's Johnson

   I wish Facebook would make the text bigger on its mobile app so I can read it easier when I am driving