Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.

   Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.

   Apparently when you lose an election ... It is important to let the entire nation know that it was the other guys fault .... Just like when we were kids.

   By law We should be allowed to run over one cyclist a month..

   as it turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   I used to go out with a homeless girl. It was great because after sex I could just drop her off anywhere

   Our ancestors created America to get away from the crown. We shouldn't have to hear, and we don't give a puck about, the royal baby.

   Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

   Olympian's earn their medals every 4yrs........In Afghanistan our servicemen earn their medals every day!!!

   A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"

   I get on the elevator at my hotel in Vegas and there is a girl in a wedding dress, she had just gotten married. She says to her friend "I can't wait to get changed". Old guy on elevator immediately says "Change into what, a b!tch?"

   Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!

   Breaking news: Facebook website is down for most users. Twitter will soon follow as it is overwhelmed by tweets asking "Is facebook down?"

   SON: Dad, Can I go to a 50cent Concert? DAD: Here's $1. Take your sister too

   Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air

   I just saved a bunch of money on my sons college education by introducing him to weed...

   tatoos must be expensive because everyone with them doesn't seem to have any money left...

   george zimmerman looks alot like chaz bono

   If North Korea attacks, there won't be a war. The counterattack will go down in history as a case of assisted suicide.