Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   it's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.

   She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

   The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.

   will never wear a red shirt at target again.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   You know when you need a vacation when you start pretending the shower head is a waterfall!! ; /

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.