Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   Most common lie used by women.... "I dont usually do this the first night"

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.

   Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.

   this a political message board or a status site ?

   Two things define your Personality, The way you manage things when you have nothing. The way you behave when you have everything.

   "When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty"