Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.