Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.

   The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.

   FYI - If you find bit of the satellite, you have to call the police and someone from NASA (prob Bruce Willis) will come over to collect it, apparently!......

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!

   I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock

   People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."

   I just took the garbage out. In 3D

   Drunk text etiquette: don't text anything you wouldn't say in the light of day. Nothings worse than the digital walk of shame.

   Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.

   I love biting the ears and heads off chocolate Easter bunnies.

   i dont trust people with so many studio photos

   ready for them to release the photo of Bin Laden. He wants to print T-shirts and mugs that say "This is the face of terrorism."

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Things not to say life lesson 586: Asking your wifes attorney " If your here then who's running hell?" Is not so much a good idea

   If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem

   You guys ever notice that the crazy girls on every season Bachelor kinda look the same? I don't know maybe CRAZY looks the same on everyone.

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.

   Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.