Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock

   People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."

   I just took the garbage out. In 3D

   Drunk text etiquette: don't text anything you wouldn't say in the light of day. Nothings worse than the digital walk of shame.

   Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.

   I love biting the ears and heads off chocolate Easter bunnies.

   i dont trust people with so many studio photos

   ready for them to release the photo of Bin Laden. He wants to print T-shirts and mugs that say "This is the face of terrorism."

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Things not to say life lesson 586: Asking your wifes attorney " If your here then who's running hell?" Is not so much a good idea

   If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem

   You guys ever notice that the crazy girls on every season Bachelor kinda look the same? I don't know maybe CRAZY looks the same on everyone.

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.

   Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

   In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.

   would swim across the Ocean for some of my Facebook friends! Lol, just kidding. There are sharks in there!

   If I dont respond after 3 texts, get the hint.

   Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and......it's right!

   Before you go on and say how glad and relieved you are that you dodged that bullet, make sure that the bullet is not saying the same thing.