Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: "Hi kitty" CAT: "Wanna see my butthole?" ME: "No thanks kitty" CAT: "Imma show you my butthole"

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   I'm a second hand vegetarian... cows eat grass and I eat cows.

   Dear mom and dad, please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent 3 years making airplane noises with it.

   gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas STOP and now drop these motha$&@?!/ prices down!

   If you really want to go green, start using BOTH sides of your toilet paper.

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

   WILL WORK FOR LIKES!

   Sorry for your problems and I'll be there to listen to you, because you're a good person and by good person I mean you put out when you're vulnerable.

   Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward. “John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?”

   A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets. You just don't know where to put your hands.

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members. That's how dangerous they are.

   Found a Capri cigarette in my son's room and now I don't know what to be most upset about.

   And this year's Oscar (Pistorius) goes to ....... Jail. (͡๏̯͡๏)

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   "whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack..."Yeh, you're right because I'm geting a restraining order for them... :)

   I want to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so I would have random animals help me with my housework

   Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.

   Be thankful.....in dog years, you're dead.