Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if drinking and driving is illegal, then why the hell do bars have a parking lot?

   laid back...with my mind on my money and my money on my mind

   Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls.

   Dear Bible, you forgot to include us in your story. Sincerely, the dinosaurs

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   WHO'S GUILTY HERE?... A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "Quick...my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

   (Login to Facebook)...(No NEW notifications/messages/requests)....(Checks News Feed,..Nothing interesting)....(LOG OFF).......(Repeats in the next 7 minutes)

   It's called BE-YOU-tiful, not BE-FAKE-tiful...

   Don't laugh in the bathroom because it will make people think that your playing with yourself..

   I just took a Justin and wiped my Bieber...........

   aye Justin Bieber Imma let you finish but Ricky Martin is the best gay singer of all time! All Time!

   if she let's you keep your weed in her bra... wife that b!tch

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your foerhead?

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   WWlll is coming. Get your temple in order. And stop believing the media. All media is responsible for the way you think.

   Girls have periods, cramps, babies, and everything else. The least a guy could do is text her first

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   How do all these dudes driving Smart Cars find room in them for all the p ussy they're pulling in?

   A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.