Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WHO'S GUILTY HERE?... A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "Quick...my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

   (Login to Facebook)...(No NEW notifications/messages/requests)....(Checks News Feed,..Nothing interesting)....(LOG OFF).......(Repeats in the next 7 minutes)

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   WWlll is coming. Get your temple in order. And stop believing the media. All media is responsible for the way you think.

   Girls have periods, cramps, babies, and everything else. The least a guy could do is text her first

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   if she let's you keep your weed in her bra... wife that b!tch

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your foerhead?

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   It's called BE-YOU-tiful, not BE-FAKE-tiful...

   Don't laugh in the bathroom because it will make people think that your playing with yourself..

   I just took a Justin and wiped my Bieber...........

   aye Justin Bieber Imma let you finish but Ricky Martin is the best gay singer of all time! All Time!

   ...Couple who said they had pix of John Stamos w/underage girl in hot tub were indicted for extortion. Turns out the "girl" was Justin Bieber!

   My Reality Check bounced.

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   In Soviet Russia, status updates YOU!

   in the mood to push someone down the stairs hit them over the head with a fire extinguisher then bury the body under the garden patio

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.