Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When giving that special person a gift you said cost $3,000 from Tiffanys, it's probably a good idea to take off the price tag that says $3.50 from Walmart.

   the first step to failing is trying

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. I bet they'd wear fancy explosive underwear.

   Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good, but nothing ever changes.

   wishes there was an app that let you reach threw the computer and slap people..

   I called a company and heard "Baby got back" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Health insurance from a company that plays Sir Mix-a-lot?

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   Do they call him Prime Minister because you can't divide him up into multiple smaller ministers?

   I have more people on my block list than some of you have on your friends list. . .

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   Hey Peyton eat a Snickers! Why? Because you play like Tony Romo when you are hungry.

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   Anyone know how many calories you burn an hour scrolling on Facebook?

   Now that Bruce Jenner is a woman does that make him a horrible driver ?