Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   Hey Peyton eat a Snickers! Why? Because you play like Tony Romo when you are hungry.

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   Anyone know how many calories you burn an hour scrolling on Facebook?

   Now that Bruce Jenner is a woman does that make him a horrible driver ?

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.

   Voting for Hillary because you don't like Trump, is like eating a dog turd because you don't like broccoli....

   Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels

   Cleveland fans can order the new LeBron phone. It only vibrates because it doesn't come with a ring.

   I saw a guy today that had a bedazzled cell phone. I thought it was kinda gay..... but then thought he might have stolen the phone and he might be a thug. The whole thing confused me.

   I don't know why people say that pornography is degrading to women. They're not the ones sat in front of a laptop with their trousers and pants round their ankles at three o'clock in the afternoon. I like this!

   My parents used to tell me that if the ice cream man was playing his music it meant he had none left.....how cruel!!! and nmore-so why would he still drive into my street? just to taunt me!!??? I was an idiot child!!