Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is spreading herpes or glitter

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.

   have I told you lately that I love you....? No? thats because I can't handle your miserable, twisted, soul destroying face anymore! Oh and by the way....I'm telling someone else I love them while you pack!

   the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

   My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.

   It ain't rocket science folks, women LOVE douchebags.

   There's a woman in New Jersey that has a rare medical condition that makes her have 100's of unwanted orgasims. She has 100's of orgasims a day and is still complaining. That just proves women are never happy

   so poor that he can't even pay attention

   Who are your favorite underground artists?? Mine are Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston

   "Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan has to ride seven miles a day with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of two dollars and we will send you the video its hilarious."

   Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

   I've said this before but, It's funny how you think you know someone so well, then you bang his wife and then his true colors start to show.

   After only one date, I knew her "emotional closet" was a walk in!

   Its shake weight time, minus the shake weight.

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help us to find the right person!

   I didn't eat your magic mushrooms, the talking purple unicorn did!

   I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is... I won!

   the 80s had the best 80s music.

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   comment "An acute failure of the victim selection process." next time someone post the video of the fat kid body slaming the little bully