Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why people complain about wanting more hours in the day. If I had more hours I'd have to get more creative about how I waste them.

   Here's to hoping next time Lady Gaga wears a dress made out of Justin Bieber.

   listening to her dishwasher washing, her clothes washer and dryer washing and drying, her air purifier purifying and thinking what an awesome multi-tasker I am.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.

   on the way to Comaland. That's about 24 minutes north of Shutupimsleepingville, which is right outside of Setthealarm Village.

   Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad.

   Relationships are like drugs, they either kill you, or give you the best feeling of your life.

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   if at first you don't succeed.... don't be surprised.

   There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't speel.

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise.

   Road rage catalyst: People who slow down and creep when turning a corner.

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   I use to be in great shape until I fell in love... Damn!!!

   This is MY facebook wall and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger

   a little upset about this potential ban on four loko. Aren't they aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?