Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   if at first you don't succeed.... don't be surprised.

   There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't speel.

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise.

   Road rage catalyst: People who slow down and creep when turning a corner.

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   I use to be in great shape until I fell in love... Damn!!!

   This is MY facebook wall and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger

   a little upset about this potential ban on four loko. Aren't they aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   The fast food strike is today. I wonder who will get my order wrong now?

   I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"

   Well what'a you know...it's nappy hour!!

   My girlfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and now we hardly have sex.