Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on the way to Comaland. That's about 24 minutes north of Shutupimsleepingville, which is right outside of Setthealarm Village.

   Would rather tell a thousand truths and draw a thousand tears, than a lie, and see a thousand forged smiles.

   misses the good old days of giving a box of heart's saying I want to get down with you in so many words!"

   There's a one-in six-billion chance that you'll find your soulmate. And that's if they're not dead

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   If I ever met Sammy Hagar, I would have to ask: "What would happen if scientists found a SECOND way to ROCK?"

   life is a book.with .many chapters some are hard to get through some are easy but you have to keep turning the page to get to the next adventure..

   thinking Starbucks should come out with a Venti Cafe Mocha Xanax Rum STFU

   Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad.

   Relationships are like drugs, they either kill you, or give you the best feeling of your life.

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger

   a little upset about this potential ban on four loko. Aren't they aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   The fast food strike is today. I wonder who will get my order wrong now?

   I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"