Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tested positive for Facebook.

   I just went to the sperm bank but I left. Too many jerkoffs.

   When bad things happen to good people, I usually try to take a picture with my phone.

   NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...

   Coming to theaters on January 20, 2021: "Hey! Where's All My Free Stuff?" Tickets: $70. Popcorn: $55. Coke or Sprite: $40.

   if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?

   Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.

   She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   "Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   it still considered a fart if there's debris?

   When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.

   I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.

   With all do respect to Whitney (may she RIP), why did she not fix her child's teeth!!

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?