Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.

   She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   "Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   it still considered a fart if there's debris?

   When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.

   I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.

   With all do respect to Whitney (may she RIP), why did she not fix her child's teeth!!

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   If you're crazy and you know it, shake your meds.

   At the Karma Cafe, there are no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   Which marketing genius at Trident thought that the Latin word for 'three teeth' would be a good name for a sugarless gum?

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?

   A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.

   Coming with a good status is 3% talent, 97% comes from stealing it from the internet.