Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did

   I haven't heard a single zebra complain about that lion getting shot.

   Snooki is coming out with her new line of perfume, for when you want to smell like shame, selt-tanner, and herpies.

   It's now being reported that two earthquakes hit the New Jersey area. In other words, Snooki fell twice.

   If your rent is paid, your cell service isn't shut off, your neighbour has paid his wi-fi bill and you got weed money, then you have your sh*t together.

   Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.

   Dear Parents, How do you expect kids to listen to you when: Tarzan lives half naked. Cinderella comes back at midnight. Pinocchio lies all the time. Aladdin is the king of thieves. Batman drives at 320km/h. Sleeping beauty is lazy. Snow white sleeps with

   no Gynecologist but I will have a look

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.

   clear your browsing history and cookies and give yourself as many thumbs up as your want

   What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   Notice how the KFC and the Burger King in Ferguson suffered no damages in the riots. Brother has gotta eat....

   I heard that Tom Brady isn't going to the pro bowl for an undisclosed injury. Didn't know bruised ego was a real injury.

   Calm down straight guys. 9 times out of 10, g ay guys are only staring at you because you look like sh it and we just wanna give you makeover.

   Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?

   America, the land of the free.....unless you're an American!

   June 23, 1860, The U.S. Secret Service was created to arrest counterfeiters. Now the Secret Service also protects the President... isn't this a conflict of interest?

   I wanna slap any man who thinks it's ok to hit a woman and then slap any woman that stays with a man who hits her.