Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   ‎#<( '-'< ) I was going to give you this waffle, ( >'-' )># but then I was like, ( >'#'< ) I'm hungry ( >'-'< ) so I ate it."

   “No officer, there is no blood in my alcohol system.”

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   There's a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road, and all I can think,, is that one of you,, is without your protective headgear today.

   This New Years should be the best ever...At midnight I plan on plunging over the "fiscal cliff" with only a party hat, kazoo and a "fiscal parachute" made from 4,000 Sham-Wow's. ツ

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your damn relationship status.

   My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

   I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   Ever seen Cookie Monster's feet?......... No?.................. Well, that's Diabetes for you!!

   Someday, I'll get out of this sh!tty relationship I'm in and meet a woman who loves me for who I am and start a sh!tty relationship with her instead.

   61.My mom found a spot between her boobs this week,,, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   I hate it when people ask me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". I mean, seriously, I do not have 2020 vision!

   What does a NY Giants fan do after his team wins? Turns off the xbox and goes to bed.

   Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they've got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They're a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living."

   What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE

   Please God let me show you being a millionaire won't spoil or change me