Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone wrote "REtARd" on my window this morning. . . took me 3 effin hours to lick it clean :-/

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   When you think about it, Hitler really wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.

   Women complain that they can't find good men. They do find them but then they just put them in the friend zone and never give them a chance.

   while out shopping yesterday my wife asked me to hold her purse...there was no way in hell that I was going to hold her purse!...it didn't even match my shoes

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   ‎#<( '-'< ) I was going to give you this waffle, ( >'-' )># but then I was like, ( >'#'< ) I'm hungry ( >'-'< ) so I ate it."

   “No officer, there is no blood in my alcohol system.”

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   There's a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road, and all I can think,, is that one of you,, is without your protective headgear today.

   This New Years should be the best ever...At midnight I plan on plunging over the "fiscal cliff" with only a party hat, kazoo and a "fiscal parachute" made from 4,000 Sham-Wow's. ツ

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your damn relationship status.

   My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

   I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   Ever seen Cookie Monster's feet?......... No?.................. Well, that's Diabetes for you!!

   Someday, I'll get out of this sh!tty relationship I'm in and meet a woman who loves me for who I am and start a sh!tty relationship with her instead.

   61.My mom found a spot between her boobs this week,,, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.