Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   The bar was closed when I got there with a sign that said, “The door is alarmed.” I said to myself, “How do you think I feel?”

   Want to feel old? Kim Carnes of Bette Davis eyes fame turns 65 today.

   I'm going to install a horn for the back of my car for retaliatory, defensive honks.

   I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)

   HOOTERS...putting lot lizzards to work since 1987

   I want to run for president so I can make it legal to punch stupid people square in the face. I'll make punching stupid people my campaign.

   Just checking in to make sure that there is ample drama in my timeline. Yup, looks good to me.

   I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.

   If at first you don't succeed, reward yourself with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cake.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking

   If you can't spell TATTOO your not old enough to get one. So get yourself a Sharpie and a crash helmet.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.

   I've actually done 36 Ninja posts today but nobody's seen them.

   Pinterest lets people know things you like. For example… if you’re a man and you pin something, it lets people know you like men.

   my package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with

   One thing I envy about women is never having to clean pee off the toilet seat.

   What's the difference between a joke and three c**ks? The girl we met last night couldn't take a joke.

   If you quit school, just remember these two things... 1: You tried your best, and 2: I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.

   Commercial time. I'll just flip through and see what else is on.......1 min later....What the HelI was I just watching??????