Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I got more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree

   I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I'd still be in bed sleeping.

   I'm getting into a drunken brawl with the first person that sterotypes Irish.

   I wish I had Shazam for faces...

   I can only Facebook for so long. The toilet seat makes my legs go numb.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   My boyfriend asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' so I forged him a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues.

   An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.

   If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

   Remember: It isn't murder unless they find a body. Up until then it is only a missing person.

   My husband is going out to play poker tonight. I think he's tired of gambling on getting laid at home and losing.

   I truly don't understand the needs for ladies 70 and above to bath in their perfume, unless their trying to kill their husband.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"

   my idea of a situp is when I first get up in the morning

   Charlie Sheen get $25,000,000 settlement to not work? I did something seriously wrong with my life

   The epitome of laziness is vacuuming your kitchen floor. Yeah, I've done it.