Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can only Facebook for so long. The toilet seat makes my legs go numb.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   My boyfriend asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' so I forged him a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues.

   An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.

   If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

   Remember: It isn't murder unless they find a body. Up until then it is only a missing person.

   My husband is going out to play poker tonight. I think he's tired of gambling on getting laid at home and losing.

   I truly don't understand the needs for ladies 70 and above to bath in their perfume, unless their trying to kill their husband.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"

   my idea of a situp is when I first get up in the morning

   Charlie Sheen get $25,000,000 settlement to not work? I did something seriously wrong with my life

   The epitome of laziness is vacuuming your kitchen floor. Yeah, I've done it.

   MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..

   That panic moment when she asks, "is it in?" when it has been in for the past minute. FML

   Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.

   I wonder if Tom from Myspace ever gets lonely and browses Facebook for friends.