Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am known for my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

   Everything happens for a reason. It's just that it's always too late when we find out.

   When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"

   The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?

   I rarely get distracted, but the other . . . .brb.

   I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!

   People like YOU, are the reason why people like ME, need MEDICATION

   Thankful for Mr. Austin Nichols...... you taught me that some people have faith, some have a strong will, but I have your Wild Turkey to get me through.

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   the m0ment when someone shaves a beard and you had no idea they were THAT ugly

   I have just found out that yelling "I'm gonna scissor you!" at someone isn't as threatening as I first thought...

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   3 things that should never be broken. 1. Hearts 2. Promises 3. Condoms. Sometimes the breaking of # 3 causes 1 & 2 to break.”

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   never drink before a 1st date for confidence. I did once and ended up marrying him.

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.

   Don't allow your hurt to transform you into someone you are not.

   There must be a lot of people who need glasses...so they can see things my way.

   I spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone... therefore I'm entitled to benefits!