Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   If fire escapes were replaced with waterslides people would use them a lot more.

   wishes I were more outdoorsy. Unfortunately, there are bugs outside.

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs

   I am known for my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

   When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

   Everything happens for a reason. It's just that it's always too late when we find out.

   When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"

   The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?

   I rarely get distracted, but the other . . . .brb.

   I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!

   People like YOU, are the reason why people like ME, need MEDICATION

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   the m0ment when someone shaves a beard and you had no idea they were THAT ugly

   I have just found out that yelling "I'm gonna scissor you!" at someone isn't as threatening as I first thought...

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   3 things that should never be broken. 1. Hearts 2. Promises 3. Condoms. Sometimes the breaking of # 3 causes 1 & 2 to break.”

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?