Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.