Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   uhh... i'm no meteorologist but i'm pretty sure its raining b*tches..

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   Here at Kotex Tampons were not claiming to be number one, were certainly not number two,. But when it come"s to Tampons were right up in there...

   You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that's kind of the same thing.

   One of my greatest joys in life is when I've found an old friend on facebook......And they've gotten fat!! lol #iwentthere

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise."

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!

   What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   If anyone needs to walk near the left side of my house it's cool because I went ahead and took care of that enormous spider web with my face.

   whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."

   Life is like a pen!s. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

   Michael Jackson didn't die. He simply completed his course of plastic surgery in 2009, turned into a young gay white boy & renamed himself Justin Bieber...

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.

   If there are two lanes, the left one is the fast lane. If you are being passed on the right, you are a jerk.

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.