Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years and 11 months old.

   And the person you'd take a bullet for is the one pulling the trigger.

   I'll bet you the President gets his mail today.

   If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn't even have lights at the Super Bowl.

   learn how to spell and type before you attempt to post a status message!

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left Walmart. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   $15 minimum wage, I don't think so. Maybe we should focus on lowering the cost of an education instead. That way it rewards those that are willing to work for a better life.

   gonna live forever... or die trying!

   Somewhere In A Ghetto Household A 4 year old is "droppin it" like its hot while the family is clappin & yellin "Go SHANIQUA! Work it girl!"...

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   Those things on Hooter's menu that they call "boneless chicken wings" are not chicken wings without the bone. You know, I'm not even sure they're chicken! Real wings have bones in them and you get a little messy eating them, that's just the way it is.

   God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker

   Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   Not to sound like an old maid, but why do people think they need to be in a relationship to be happy? Those who can stand on their own two feet are the ones that I admire most. Be strong and independent. Have patience and love will come.

   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

   Playing the ice cream truck song out of my car and watching all the people running around looking for ice cream.

   The more people I meet, the more I like my damn dog.

   I bet Cleveland is cheering louder than Dallas. Way to go Mavs!