Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has a theory: If grocery stores just paint the cart returns with handicap blue and build it out of curbing. Then everyone would put their buggies there!

   STARVING!!!! I'm so damn hungry that the Food Channel would look like Porn!!!!

   If someone showed me Black Eye Peas AMA performance back in 1990 and said this is what music is going to look like in 20 years I think I would of barfed.

   If you take off your clothes during a spat and you're a woman you're gonna get laid but if you'r e a man you're gonna get kicked in the balls...

   Apparently, the Pope says that condoms 'make things worse' in regards to the AIDS epidemic. The day I take sex advice from an 82-year-old virgin, is the same day I take parenting advice from Kate and Gerry McCann.

   You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   What if , one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that you're whole life was just a dream.

   This drug sniffing dog was a great investment! He already found 2 bags of weed I thought I had lost!

   This guy in line at store had breath so bad his teeth turned sideways just to let it out.

   Shoutout to all the girls that can't update their status because they told some guy they tired...& going to bed.

   Someone once ask me how I hold my head up so high after all I've been through. I said, as long as I come out of it alive, it makes me a survivor, not a victim.

   Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

   So let me get this straight, Wanting America to be Great again is considered Treason by some, But selling out your Government for cash and Compromising National Security Isn't? What am I missing here?

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

   Vegetarian is the old Indian word for sucks at hunting.

   so at a grocery store restroom I walked in on an old man shaking water from his hands. he looks up and says to me "nuthin has come out in a week". I stood there hoping to God he was refering to the paper towel dispenser

   Just turned on my TV to discover Joe Biden's teeth are now burned into the screen......

   Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

   I swear when black girls wear green contacts they look like a walking xbox