Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think when Trump says Mexico will pay for that wall he doesn't mean the Government but El Chapo's seized 14bn assets from criminal forfeiture.

   NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!

   cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

   The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'

   #Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.

   I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye.

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!

   The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

   Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones.

   I don't know why you're here, but I'm just here to have fun.

   I think I'm going to procrastinate tomorrow......but I haven't decided.

   As I sit next to you imagining my manly hands wrapped around your cheating neck, I'm suddently reminded that I don't even know your name.

   If I were a ghost, I would dress like a Sea Captain just to play into the stereotype.