Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!

   The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

   Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones.

   I don't know why you're here, but I'm just here to have fun.

   I think I'm going to procrastinate tomorrow......but I haven't decided.

   As I sit next to you imagining my manly hands wrapped around your cheating neck, I'm suddently reminded that I don't even know your name.

   If I were a ghost, I would dress like a Sea Captain just to play into the stereotype.

   Best laid plans are not the best lay. Unplanned lays are best.

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   it required for you to have your own TV show if you live in Alaska?

   I wonder if they make a Gas-X for brain farts.

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   I only kissed you for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

   I just deleted a text message without reading it so your voicemail doesn't have a prayer.

   Her body is a wonderland but you have to bribe the manager with booze for admission

   I can make your day better just by not being part of it

   I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a woman who has standards.