Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to have this device to help me find wild mushrooms but I misplaced it. You might say I lost my morel compass.

   "Float like a butterfly sting like a bee" -Melania Trump

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.

   The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable

   I just had a Hebrew National Hotdog. It's like a normal hotdog, but with the skin at the end cut off.

   My wife and I have doggie style sex. I sit up and beg for it. And she rolls over and plays dead.

   I misunderstood the nighborhood MILF when she told me she was heading to the polls. I didn't see her grinding at the strip club.

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   I give travel info in the amount of time it takes me to get there, not in miles.

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   Someone needs to brew a great beer and call it “Roses”! That way when you show up at your ladies door with a card and a dozen roses, you know at least you're going to have a great time!

   Valentine's Day : Because love isn't quite complicated enough as it is....

   I hope when they write my biography they leave out my being afraid to poop in public places

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   just realized how valuable photoshop can be...when you need to pin something on your boss...like a donkey…for blackmail…

   Love is like a glass door… Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.

   -Grand Theft Auto is the only way I can express myself freely without any consequences....

   believes the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.

   Arnold might not make a good dad... the whole "Hasta la vista baby" issue should have been the first clue!