Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   If you cant dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bull$hit. -Abraham Lincoln

   ‎"Its Good Mood Food" <------ The whole marketing department at Arbys should be fired!

   Judge, I'm sorry I attacked that woman but I was wearing cheetah print & she had on a zebra shirt & Mother Nature just took over from there.

   Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look cute in prison clothes & smile at the jerk & walk away.

   Kim Kardashian was attacked at the Paris Fashion Show! It is still unknown which NFL player assaulted her, but Roger Goodell vows to educate these exceedingly uneducated players. Mainly because this just puts the bi+ch back in the spotlight.

   It's funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my evenings in the front yard treating it with weed killer.

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   New Jersey residents are being advised to NOT eat the fish washed up in the sewer. Which is ironic considering the sewer is the cleanest part of New Jersey.

   I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"

   So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear and jacket and tie and it can be formal.

   I can't wait for self driving cars to come out so I can finally say ; Go home car I'm drunk

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   I wouldn't take a bullet for someone because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and that just ain't me son.