Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else. Bloody referees.

   I just kicked my shoe off my foot and it bounced off the excercise ball and hit me in the face

   Johnny,if you have 13 chocolate bars.Then you give 5 to Anita,4 to Krystyn n 4 to June. What'll you have? Johnny: 3 new girl friends

   Dancing with the Stars 2011: The last time I saw the names of these "stars" was when I last played the Trivial Pursuit "Nobody Gives a Crap" Edition.

   WARNING!!!! New virus on FB! (ASTC-virus, AssStuckToChair). The virus glues you to your chair for several hours! No housework will be done, children will starve and the dog will not get its walk. You're likely to lose all contact to the outside world. Put

   I think it would be cool to actually see a tornado before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   You know its time to move on when you start falling asleep during sex.

   Metaphorically Speaking...Beware of those self-absorbed people that are more concerned with the scratch on their car than the people in the car they hit

   changed my relationship with Facebook to "Its complicated"

   Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   If you cant dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bull$hit. -Abraham Lincoln

   ‎"Its Good Mood Food" <------ The whole marketing department at Arbys should be fired!

   Judge, I'm sorry I attacked that woman but I was wearing cheetah print & she had on a zebra shirt & Mother Nature just took over from there.

   Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look cute in prison clothes & smile at the jerk & walk away.

   Kim Kardashian was attacked at the Paris Fashion Show! It is still unknown which NFL player assaulted her, but Roger Goodell vows to educate these exceedingly uneducated players. Mainly because this just puts the bi+ch back in the spotlight.

   It's funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my evenings in the front yard treating it with weed killer.

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.